Oh so many things have happened since I last posted...life changing things. The prayer circle that wrote about in my last post has been this powerful force to crack open dormant things that have blocked my expansion. In addition to that 12 days ago I decided to fast then cleanse on just fresh fruit and vegetables until I was calm within. I realize that food for me was a way to quiet my emotions and feelings. I did not really gain weight but I was heavy with indigestion - my stomach was always upset so I fasted. Lately, I actually feel all those "hidden" emotions - the pain, the fear, the resentment, the rage - yes, I have those feelings yet somehow I had been treating them with desserts, sweetness and caffeine. With my meditation practice I know see these feelings come and slowly leave. I have never really had a fast like this...
Yesterday, I was just so frustrated -at what I don't even know and it occurred to me that I was cleansing something out. Today, I just took a day of silence with myself and I contemplated my art again. I asked myself what is it that I truly desire for my future? This question really came about when Michael Jackson died because he was an icon of my generation. I grew up with him like a brother. I saw him grow up literally in the public eye. I saw plainly that he suffered and it was almost as if his genius was a blessing and a curse AND he lived his life fulfilling his destiny. So, for me his death spark a deep question of purpose and destiny within me.
A friend was mentioning to me an oracle called the Osho Zen and I found a site that allows you to pick a card of the day and today's card was THE CREATOR. The card said:
There are two types of creators in the world. One type of creator works with objects - a poet, a painter, they work with objects, they create things. The other type of creator, the mystic, creates himself. He doesn't work with objects, he works with the subject; he works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.
You are carrying a masterpiece hidden within you, but you are standing in the way. Just move aside, then the masterpiece will be revealed. Everyone is a masterpiece, because God never gives birth to anything less than that. Everyone carries that masterpiece hidden for many lives, not knowing who they are and just trying on the surface to become someone.
Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it. God himself has created you; you cannot be improved.
Yes, it is time for me to face my process and realize I can either create my life from within manifesting outward OR outward manifesting inward. I realize my thoughts have always been on what it takes to be this or that instead of allowing myself to be that which I am...
I say all this to realize that true change is like what Octavia Butler says, "...it's God" I can't pray for something or a circumstance without God changing me first. It is the beauty of life.