Monday, November 26, 2007
I have always had this one request about dying that it be peaceful- that I drift off into a deep sleep and emerge on the other side with no suffering. I have had to unlearn and learn that death is not just one experience you have after growing old or suffering from a horrible disease - death is next to you at all times. Death is not always about leaving this physical world in fact it is about experiencing deep endings. I have been dying in the death of my relationship for some time now. I am telling you, I was kickin' and screamin' - cryin'- sayin' "Why me?? What have I done??" - trying to save myself... when I really just needed to die and move on. So, I allowed myself to receive funeral rites - I allowed that old part of me to be placed in the coffin and buried. I know you are wondering "then who is writing this blog?"
Africans know that death is not the end. Really, if you think that when you leave your physical body and get buried, cremated or dumped at sea that you have reached your end - well you are mistakened. You go to the other side. You have to be accountable for all that you have done and not done - all the Ancestors will really want to know what was going on with you. If you were too tied to your flesh - being greedy, treating people badly - believe me in the spirit world you are going to stink real bad --too bad to stay there, so you will get sent back to right your wrongs- relearn the lessons. You get to personally experience how your actions have effected your bloodline because boom you are right there living it. Everything we do impacts the future of our bloodline- so if you have spent your life lying, cheating, and stealing then you have set up the future for your bloodline. In KMT they had a saying, "Live today as your tomorrow, and tomorrow as yesterday." Don't think that your actions of today don't matter - they very much do. I don't care how many candles you light and how much incense you burn- using your Creator given powers for bad will only hurt you and your bloodline -in the end.
Back to my death...I have learnt recently that there is a long line of women in my family that have been abused, some left for dead, beaten while pregnant, others left with no food for their babies, and it goes on...what holds these experiences is that they are held by silence. Sistahs we can't keep birthing our girls and not prepare them for the strong possibility of chaos that is out there for African women. When you are at war and trying to hold the pieces together you can't just think it is good your daughter got married. No, you have to ask yourself who is the man and where does he come from? Who is his family and how did they raise him? Was the female spirit honored in their family or was it oppressed? You got to observe how your future son in law refers to his own mother and the women in his life - is he dripping with hate? Then guess where it will be directed when he has married your daughter. We are products of our environment -whether we like it or not... it requires deep work and deep reflection to change the influence of our environment. It is not impossible but it is constant deep work.
I know now that marriage is not a thing to take lightly- you are joining with whatever karma your mate is caring - so you got to make sure you can carry it. I know now that I have to really pay attention to my inner feelings and if something doe not feel right don't brush it aside but move towards it and see what it is. It is like mold on bread, you got to have a close look to see if its a speck of flour not just assume it. I have to re-remember to trust what I see about a person not just what they are telling me (the two should match). Lastly, I have to realize that I was put here to learn a lesson. My friend Ruth said,"There are no mistakes, just lessons."
The other night I took a bath in the dark and I was home again. I positioned myself in a fetal position and on occasion I would kick around letting the warm water rock me. My body feels achy lately and I know that soon I will began the birthing process. Its been nurturing and painful at the same time. I am not sure what to expect but I know I will emerge even more powerful. My dulas have been summoned and my midwives are preparing. My mother is whispering in my ear all that she wants me to re-remember. More to come...
Photo: Alice Lovelace
Posted by Camara Meri Rajabari at 11:36 AM