Saturday, February 2, 2008
I woke up this morning in a place of re-evaluation. For the last six months my life has been turn literally upside down. I have had to look deep inside myself and look at what is it exactly that I believe and if that belief has brought me closer to freedom or further away. Sometimes it is hard to tell...I have met many people with various philosophies about life - various practices, methods and processes that they swear will bring liberation. In my short 38 years on the planet I have realized a very important factor in liberation/freedom which is in the deep knowingness of one's self worth. We either engage with people, places and processes that deepen our sense of self worth or we don't.
Yesterday, as I went to pick up my personal belongings from my former home. The sheriff informed me that I would only have access to one room where my former husband had place my items. There was nothing on my legal papers that said I could not have access to the home but the sheriff deferred to my former husband who had decided what he would give me. I walked into a tiny room right off the side door of my house to find what appeared to be my belongings dumped on the floor intermingled with trash - similar to how it looks when people are evicted. There were socks, underwear, books, trash, books, pillows, etc... in a pile. I simply walked in and begin to pack it in a couple of boxes I brought with me. My friends came into the room and silently helped me move the items into the car. My former husband and the sheriff chatted it up - he told him he was a doctor that served veterans and the sheriff shared he was a war veteran - I think they even exchanged cards.
I realized throughout this experience I have had to repeatedly defend my humanity and the message I got from Spirit was to stay true to who I am even in the face of being treated like the dirt underneath someone's shoe - to know what is true integrity and stay in humble humanity - because this is true power.
After some deliberation I took my son with me yesterday to pick up our items because I knew he needed to witness this event. I knew that in the world of male patriarchy that my account of the situation would be dismissed. I wanted him to witness the role of every man in this situation - I wanted to show him the choices that each man in this situation made. I wanted him to witness the righteous men who showed up to help us pack and move our belongings. I wanted to make sure he knew who towed the good ole' boy line (in black face) and who really was about walkin' their talk. With the youth actions always speak louder than words.
So, I share this knowing that I am rearranging my own thoughts and beliefs. I am looking at what it truly means to be in a community and what it is that I can offer a community and what it can offer me. For the last couple of months I have met with a beautiful group of people who in my deepest respect I call 'the healers'. They are both men and women who have come together and opened their hearts to healing themselves, their families and their community. I can't thank them enough for being there for me and my son during this time - for sitting with me during my rage, my sorrow, my epiphanies and my new found joy. I know our work is good work and it will help us all.
Posted by Camara Meri Rajabari at 6:30 AM