Sistahs, I had a moment today where I realized that sometimes there is a price for Freedom. By freedom, I mean the opportunity and divine right to think, live, walk and dream as individual with her OWN MIND. In my life I have had to pay the price for making decisions that were not in my best interest. Even as I look back on the day I was going to get married I could see that moment where I could have changed my mind - but that girl I was then did not want to disappoint people or look foolish but the woman now - years later has to pay for that girl who didn't speak up for herself.
Sistahs, marriage and relationships are all very good things when they are in your best interest - when you can still be yourself and have your compliment to live with you at your side who truly loves and respects you, however when you marry or commit yourself to someone and you have doubts and questions - then take your time and feel very OK to change your mind. I believe now that it is your DIVINE RIGHT to always seek the best path for your life if at the risk of betraying other people. I don't care if the dress is brought, the invitations are sent, the money has been put down for the food and the hall, the President is coming -if it ain't right -change it! Trust me the price you pay now will be much less than the price you pay later. And there will be a price.
Even in my marriage, I could have just stayed. I could have just kept taking the stuff like I see so many people do -like I was advised by some ill-fated women to do. It is funny how we can create our own prison. Trust me I could have still been there - a life in hell and lost.
It is moments like this where I KNOW I have learned my difficult and necessary lesson. I rejoice in the fact that somewhere inside of me I believed I was worth it. Each day I give thanks for my freedom - that I am able to care for my son. I am still cleaning up the chaos of that past but it feels good to be emerging on the other side of it. This morning I pulled an Osho Zen Tarot card and it was the BREAKTHROUGH card, it said,
"...Your chaos is very ancient - for many, many lives you have been in chaos. It is thick and dense. It is almost a universe in itself. So when you enter into it with your small capacity, of course there is danger. But without facing this danger nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible."
This is so true, if I didn't leave that prison how would have know the type of woman I could be? Would I know that self worth starts from within and can not be given by someone else? Would I have realized that many of my relationships where based on my own feelings of low self worth? Yes, the chaos of who I was and am IS the catalyst for healing. By going there and standing in it (the muck and dirt of it) I was able to integrate all of who I am.
I know some Sistahs who are married who are FREE - I see the genuine love and respect their husbands have for them AND I know it is possible. Some of us pick out our car more carefully than we do a mate - we make sure it works, suits our needs, compliments our style and we compare it to make sure we are getting the right deal. Well, the same and additional rigorous care needs to be exercised when considering a life mate...Do you match or rather do your vibration/energy level match? Does he compliment you? Doe someone need to change radically for this relationship to work? Does he fit in your life or are your friends and family slowly moving away and out of your life? How does he treat his mother (even if she is crazy)? How does he talk about women he doesn't like? Do you wince at the descriptions he uses to describe his former lovers? How does he treat the waitstaff when you go out to eat or any service provider? Now lets bring it to the womb area...What does your womb say? Are you happy and healthy? Yes, there are more questions but it is really the answer to just the few that gives you a clue...
I have come to understand that I am precious, unique and divinely qualified to have exactly what I desire in the way I desire it. I no longer feel as if I need to take the second best option or the lesser of two evils. I am not running out of time nor do I need someone to take care of me. My contributions to my community are just fine whether I am married or not. With that out of the way, I set a standard for myself and I feel a peaceful calm in manifesting the right mate for myself.
Sistahs, we are the shrine - the path of the divine is in us. Let only what is sacred and holy be accepted by our divine being.